The Wizard of Ez
by Karu Leonnese
Summary: Take 'The Wizard of Oz', add FF3, stir in my twisted humor. Shake & bake for an hour of senseless writing, and BINGO!


wizard .Comic-Sans18 { pont-family: Comic Sans MS; pont-size: 18px; } .Helvetica48 { pont-family: Arial, Helvetica, adobe-helvetica, Arial Narrow; pont-size: 48px; } .Times10 { pont-family: Times New Roman, adobe-times, Times; pont-size: 10px; } 

The Wizard of Ez

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Relm Arrowny. She lived in the middle of nowhere with her grandfather, Strago Magus, and her dog, Interceptor.

  


Relm was a perky little ten year-old, with orange hair and an odd taste in clothing. But her most notable trait was her smart mouth, which she spouted off to all who opposed her.

  


Anyway, one day, Relm was outside playing with Interceptor when she came to a tent. Being the curoius type, she walked in.

  


"What do you want?!" a voice asked.

  


"Just wanted to know what this is," Relm answered.

  


"It's my home. Now get out!" a man popped up from behind a trunk. He was about twenty-five with fly-away light black hair. He glared at Relm.

  


"How rude! What's your name? Mine's Relm.''

  


He decided to humor her. "Name's Locke."

  


"Whatcha doin'?"

  


"Making a balloon.''

  


''Why?''

  


''So I can leave.''

  


''Why?''

  


''Because I want to.''

  


''Why?''

  


''Because there's too many nosy little girls like you here! Now SCRAM!!''

  


With that, he pushed her out the door.

  


"What a grouch," she looked ar Interceptor, "go leave him a little present...''

  


~~~

  


Later that day, Relm began to notice that the sky was getting to be a pukey greenish color. And in the middle of nowhere, that can only mean one thing:

  


''Aliens!" Relm gasped.

  


Well, no. Tornadoes...But it'll do.

Relm and Interceptor started to run to the house. Once inside, they realized Strago wasn't home. The old guy was out buying prune juice and arthritis medication.

  


"Just great!" Relm huffed. She and Interceptor went upstairs, instead of to the basement, like they should've.

  


"The aliens won't find us up in the attic!"

  


They sat in the attic for about five minutes. Then they felt the house lift up off the ground, caught in the tornado.

  


"The aliens are using their tractor beam!" relm and Interceptor ran out of the attic.

  


On the stairs, Relm lost her balance, and hit her head. She fell unconsious.

  


~~~

  


Relm woke up in a grassy field. She searched for Interceptor, but found only a ball of white fluff. She curiously poked it.

  


"Ow! What the heck do you think you're doing?!" the fluffy thing roared.

  


"So-rry! Where's my dog?"

  


"What? I'm right here!"

  


"My dog was black. And he couldn't talk."

  


"Okay, you got me. The name's Mog. I'm a Moogle."

  


"What's a Moogle?" Relm scratched her head.

  


Just then, some people began to crowd around Relm and Mog. At that point, Relm noticed she was sittingnext to her house. And someone's feet were under it.

  


"That had to hurt..." Mog muttered.

  


"Oh my Goddesses, I killed someone!" Relm squeaked.

  


All of the bystanders started cheering. A pink bubble floated in and magically turned into a girl with green-blue hair.

  


"What the heck's goin' on here!?" Relm burst out, "Am I high or something?"

  


"No," the girl said, "You're in Ez."

  


"Dont you mean Oz?" a girl in the crowd asked.

  


"Shh! You wanna get sued Raze?"

  


Raze clamped her hands over her mouth and shook her head.

  


The girl turned to Relm. "I'm Terra, the good General. And you just dropped your house on Leo, the Empire General of the East."

  


"I didn't mean to..." Relm stuttered.

  


"It's okay."

  


"I'm not in the middle of nowhere anymore, am I?"

  


"Noppers."

  


Relm put her hands on her hips. "Well how do I get home?"

  


Terra shrugged. "Haven't the slightest."

  


Relm facefaulted.

  


"But," she continued, "If you go see the Wizard, he can help. He knows everything...except how to tie his shoes."

  


Terra took of Leo's boots. The corpse disinigrated.

  


"Eeww!!" everyone yelled.

  


"Take General Leo's boots. No laces. And they'll protect you."

  


"But they weigh a ton!" Relm conplained.

  


"Well they __are ruby..."

  


Relm sighed. "How do I find this...Wizard of Ez anyway?"

  


"Follow the Purplebrick Road!"

  


"The Purplebrick Road?" Relm looked at Terra sceptically.

  


"Follow the Purplebrick Road!" the people began to sing.

  


"Can we skip all the cheesy song-and-dance numbers?" Relm shuddered, "They...destroy me."

  


"Raze, Maddie, Katchi and Ziporah," Terra called four girls, who stepped forward from the crowd. "Help Relm get started on her way."

  


"Me too, kupo!" Mog spoke up, "I wanna ask the Wizard if he'd make me tough. I'm tired of looking so frickin' cute all the time."

  


"Have fun!" Terra said, then turned into her bubble form and flew off.

  


"Dand witch thinks she owns us..." Raze said after Terra was out of hearing range.

  


"She was a real help..." Relm said sarcastically.

  


"We may as well help you," Maddie said, "It'll give us something to do at least."

  


"Let's go!" Katchi said.

  


Katchi, Raze, Maddie and Ziporah began to skip down the road.

  


"Stop that!" Relm snapped, "These boots are too heavy for me to skip!"

  


The girls slowed to a walk.

  


~~~

  


About half an hour later, the girls stopped.

  


"This is where we leave," Ziporah said, "Good luck!"

  


"Thanks, " Relm said.

  


The four left, and Relm and Mog started on their own.

  


Later, they came to a man teid on a pole.

  


"Oh! Are you a scarecrow?" Relm asked.

  


"No, I'm a king. But I flirted with some girl too much and she tied me up here. You mind helping me?"

  


"You're not gonna flirt with __me, are you?"

  


He thought for a moment. "......no."

  


Relm untied the king.

  


"Thanks kid," He moved around, working out the cramps in his arms and legs. "I'm Edgar."

  


"I'm Relm and this is Mog."

  


Edgar jumped down from the pole. "What's a nice girl like you doing wandering around here?"

  


"I'm going to see the Wizard, so I can get out of this Goddess-forsaken crap hole."

  


"And I wanna be tough-looking!" Mog added, "Kupo!"

  


"Well, I want to be a girl magnet..." Edgar said.

  


"Why don't you come with us, kupo?" Mog suggested.

  


Edgar shrugged. "Why not?"

  


So Edgar joined them, and they continued on. Soon they came to a forest.

  


"Gee, looks ominious..."Relm said fakely.

  


"Mountain Dew!"

  


"Edgar, I don't have any Mountain Dew."

  


"I didn't say anything." Edgar replied.

  


"Mog?" 

  


"Not me, kupo."

  


"Mountain Dew!" the voice continued.

  


The trio looked around.

  


"OVER HERE MORONS!!"

  


All three looked to the sound of the voice. They found a guy collapsed on the ground.

  


"Who're you?" Relm asked.

  


"I'm Sabin, " he replied, "Can I get a little help here?" His eyes motioned to a 20oz. bottle of Mountain Dew a bit away.

  


Edgar gave him some of the soda. Sabin stood up and streched.

  


"Thanks," he said, "I couldn't move without my Mountain Dew. Too tired."

  


"I'm Relm."

  


"Edgar."

  


"Mog, kupo."

  


"Nice to meet ya. Where ya headed?"

  


"We're going to see the Wizard of Ez, so he can get me home," Relm explained, even though she was tired of telling people that.

  


"And I'm going to ask him to make me tough! Kupo!" Mog said.

  


"And he's going to make all the world's women mine! Bwa ha ha ha!!!" Edgar laughed hysterically as the others blinked.

  


"Well," Sabin said thoughtfully, "I would like a cuppachino machine, so I could have a cup of Mocha Latte instead of Mountain Dew all the time."

  


"So come with us!" Relm suggested.

  


"Got nothing better to do...okay!"

  


So they went through their merry little way through the forest. They stopped at some apple trees.

  


"Yummers, "Relm said, picking an apple from a nearby tree. The tree's branch latched onto her arm. "What the heck do you think you're doing?!"

  


"Oh no!" Edgar gasped, "It's Shadow the talking apple tree!!"

  


"Where do you get off just ripping off a piece of me??" Shadow roared, "I think I'm gonna rip off your arm!"

  


Relm struggled to escape. Suddenly, an apple flew out of nowhere, hitting Shadow.

  


"Shadow want an apple?" a girl said, smirking.

  


Shadow groaned. "Not you again..."

  


He pulled up his roots and left.

  


The girl laughed. "He don't like me too well."

  


"Thanks," Relm said.

  


"No problemo, la chica," she smiled, "The name's Serenity."

  


"I'm Relm, and this is Mog, Edgar, and Sabin. We're going to see the Wizard so I can get home."

  


"And I can be tough, kupo!"

  


"And I can be a girl magnet."

  


"And I can have a cuppachino machine."

  


Serenity looked at Juno. "Can I come? I've always wanted a...um...radio that plays the Final Fantasy 3 character themes!"

  


"Of course," Sabin smiled.

  


The five walked along the Purplebrick Road until they reached the city of Ez.

  


~~~

  


Meanwhile, the Evil Empire General of the West, Kefka, was watching the group.

  


"That little upstart killed Leo!" Kefka pouted, "I was gonna do it! She's got to pay!" He laughed like a four year-old who sucked the helium out of a balloon. "I'll get you my pretty--and you're little Mog too!"

  


~~~

  


Our heroes romed the city for awhile, then decided to go into the huge castle in the middle of the city. But they were stopped by a guard that looked like Strago.

  


"Sorry. No one gets in," Strago said.

  


"But we have to see the Wizard!" Serenity whined.

  


''Tough stuffings."

  


Relm growled. "Let us in or we'll beat your head in!"

  


"Beat my head in?" Strago said quizzically, "Well that's blood of a different color! Come on in!"

  


He opened the gate and let them in. After wandering around in circles for about an hour, they asked for directions and found thier way to the Wizard's room.

  


"Who dares disturb the grreat Wizard of Ez?!" a booming voice roared. A giant, floating head appeared in front of the group.

  


"We dare!" Edgar said.

  


"We've come to ask you a favor or two, kupo!" Mog explained.

  


"Terra the good General sent us," Relm said.

  


"Dang her!" The Wizard cursed, "I told her to stop __doing that! I don't wanna help. Go away."

  


"We came all this way, just to be turned down?" Sabin flustered.

  


" 'Fraid so. Now SCRAM!!"

  


The group trugged to the door. Mog spotted a person behind a curtain. He went behind the curtain and kicked the guy.

  


"OW!" he shouted.

  


"Hey! You're Locke!" Relm blurted.

  


"Yeah, you got me."

  


"Now help, or we'll tell."

  


"I'll grant your wishes, but first you must defeat Kefka, the Empire General of the West."

  


"Why?" Relm asked.

  


"Don't start that again! Just go!"

  


The group left. They traveled back to the forest.

  


"How are we gonna find Kefka?" Edgar asked.

  


~~~

  


Kefka watched the group poke around the forest.

  


"They're looking for me? Hee hee!! How delightful! I'll help. Come my Flying Monkeys!!"

  


A group of Imperial soldiers entered. "We're not monkeys. We're people. And we can't fly with these blasted wooden wigns."

  


"I can fix that..."

  


Kefka strapped rockets to the soldiers. "Now go get those kids!"

  


He lit the rockets and the soldiers flew out the window.

  


~~~

  


"Did anyone hear screaming?" Relm asked.

  


"Yeah," Sabin said, "It came from over there." He pointed to the direction of the soldiers' screams.

  


Suddenly, a gruop of rocket-propelled soldiers flew down, jumping the group.

  


"You're coming with us," one of the guards said, "Kefka wants you."

  


The group let themselves be captured, so they could get to Kefka.

  


The soldiers had to walk the prisioners back to Kefka's castle, because their rockets had burned out.

  


"I only want her," Kefka pointed to Relm, "Take the other s to the dungeon."

  


The soldiers marched the other four to the dungeon.

  


"Hey you're cute," one of the soldiers regarded Serenity, "Wanna go out with me?"

  


She gaged. "No way, I'm not stupid."

  


"I wasn't really asking-"

  


"I blieve she said no," Sabin said.

  


"Who asked you?"

  


Sabin Pummeled the soldier into a wall, knocking him out. Serenity, Edgar and Mog took out the remaining soldiers.

  


"Thanks," Serenity smiled at Sabin.

  


"My pleasure," he answered.

  


"Can we break up this mushy junk? I'm gonna need a root canal soon this is so sickeningly sweet!" Mog said, causing the two to blush.

  


~~~

  


"Well, well, well,'' Kefka smirked, "So nice of you to come."

  


"Whatever," Relm said, obviously bored.

  


"Now, if you'll just hand over those Ruby Boots, I'll let you go."

  


"Fat chance, loser..."

  


"Why you little--!!!"

  


He started chasing Relm around the room.

  


"Hey! Back off!" Edgar yelled as he, Mog, Sabin and Serenity stepped into the room. They held a bucket of water to bash in Kefka's head.

  


"What? You escaped?" Kefka started toward tehm.

  


Serenity poured the water on Kefka's face.

  


"NO!!" Kefka screamed, "MY MAKEUP!!!!"

  


While he was screaming and whining, Serenity froze him with her Blue Chakra, Edgar scliced him to pieces with his Chainsaw.

  


After kicking the two pieces of the Kefka-cicle for good luck, the group went back to see the Wizard, bringing Kefka's pimp feather as proof of their victory.

  


They met up with Raze and Maddie at the castle.

  


"The Wizard?" Raze shrugged, "He left right after you did."

  


"I thought he went after you," Maddie explained.

  


"The jerk skipped town!" Serenity growled.

  


They all sat and sulked. A pink bubble apeared, transforming into Terra.

  


"Did you find the Wizard?" she asked.

  


"He left," Relm said.

  


"Well, I can try to grant your wishes."

  


"I wanna look tough, kupo!" Mog said.

  


"Well, there's some MagiTek armor back in Kefka's castle...Would that work?"

  


"Yeah, kupo! Thanks!"

  


"I want all of the girls in the world to like me," Edgar spoke up.

  


"Well, I can't make __everyone like you, but __I think you're cute."

  


"Wanna go out with me?"

  


Terra nodded. Edgar jumped around and cheered.

  


"I'd like a cuppachino machine," Sabin said.

  


"I got a coffee machine that you could fix into a cuppachino maker."

  


"Cool. Thanks."

  


"I'd like a radio that plays the Final Fantasy 3 themes," Serenity said.

  


"How about a tape player and the FF3 soundtrack?"

  


"Even better.''

  


"I wanna go home!" Relm cried.

  


"You could've gone home at any time," Terra said, "I looked it up, and all you have to do is click the heels of the Ruby Boots together and say three times: 'Going home's better than being dead'."

  


"Now she tells me!!" Relm shook her head.

  


After saying goodbye to her friends, Relm did as Terra instructed.

  


~~~

  


"Relm, wake up!" Strago shook his granddaughter.

  


Relm sat up. "I'm home!"

  


"You've been home."

  


"No, I was in the land of Ez. I had to destroy the evil Empire General of the West to get home, but the Wizard skipped town, so the bubble girl said I had to use the Ruby Boots. And you were there, and you-HEY!!"

She looked at the stranger, who screamed like a girl and fled with a helieumized laugh (it was Kefka!).

  


"Girl, are you high?" Strago asked.

  


"No. I'm home. And going home is better than being dead!"

  


"You're high. I'm calling the clinic."

  


"NO!!!"

  


~~~

  


After the adventures, Edgar and Terra started going out, as did Sabin and Serenity, who get together everyday for music and cuppachino.

  


And Mog rules the world...

  


  


~End~


End file.
